I make good money and despite being burned once already, I still believe in a marriage where things are shared. My fiance makes much less than I do and has said she %26quot;feels out of my league%26quot; when it comes to money because she will never be able to do the things for me that I can do for her. I have no problem with this and only want to be with her. I tell her that her time and the memories we make do not have price tags but it still doesn't change her feelings. She will not go on vacation with me because she can't afford it, even though I want to pay for it. How can I get her to feel more at ease with finances and help me reap the rewards of my hard work? She works two jobs to make ends meet and provide for her kids and won't let me help out, so that we can spend more time together. I can understand being a single mom how she might feel this way and I certainly do not want to be taken advantage of, but I feel she is at the other extreme in this issue. Does she have too much scarring?
Why doesn't she want to share?
There could be a lot of reasons, one being you have told her how you were burned financially before. Maybe you made such a big deal out of it in the beginning that it is something she remembers and wants to prove to you that she would never burn you. Number 2. She could be fiercely independent and she needs to provide for her and her kids...maybe she has been scarred in previous relationships. Maybe everything she has, she has gotten through hard work and determination....and she doesnt want to give that up. Number 3, and I reckon this could be more to the point.....she has big self esteem issues. She doesnt think you could love her unless she can provde financially. A confident woman will know she will bring more than money can buy into a relationship. A confident woman will know that money cant buy love. She should know how much you love her and you should be re-assuring her that no amount of money could buy what she gives you. Maybe even tell her that you are offended by her attitude because you thought you meant more to her than just your financial situation. You havent made a big deal out of the money you make have you? You havent made a big deal out of you being taken advantage of before have you? If you have, then that would impact greatly on her attitude. Maybe just tell her that her love means more to you than any amount of money.....telll her that without her in your life, then you would prefer to be poor. Be tough, book a vacation and pay for it and tell her its your choice and she has no say in the choices you make. Tell her you will spend your money any way you want to. Tell her that you would prefer to spend money on her than on anything else in the whole wide world.....then do it. She will evenutally come to realise that you love her more than you could ever love money. She has the problem, but you can help her %26quot;fix%26quot; it. Just be consistent. If you want to spend money on her, then do it. If you want to pay a months rent for her and her kids, then just do it. Tell her its what you want to do and you will continue to do it until she gets it through her head that you love her with all your heart and the money is nothing but a tool to see that both you and her live comfortably.
Why doesn't she want to share?
Kudos for your fiance for being strong in her independence and overcoming on her own!
It isn't that she doesn't want to share, it's that she doesn't want to be seen as a gold-digger. Just explain you want to go on vacation with her, it has nothing to do with the money. Keep pushing the issue.
It may depend on her previous marriage or relationship with her childrens father. She may feel she never wants to be financially dependent on a significant other again. I would imagine once you are married she will probably ease up a bit, but while still engaged she doesnt want any feeling of having to pay back or be indebted to someone else.
She probably had bad experiences in her past and does not want to rely on anyone. Maybe someone %26quot;helped%26quot; her before and then wanted some pay back or always threw this in her face making her feel worthless. About the vacation- just try to get it through her head that you would really appreciate it if she went. That you would really enjoy her company and it wouldn't be the same without her. She would be doing you a favor. Don't ever throw it in her face later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop supporting or buying her this and that, and think about her family. This will make her feel that you are capable of sharing not only with her but her family. She will feel more comfortable and before you know it, you guys will be vacationing every weekend.
A lot of this has to do with her being on her own. You get so use to caring for yourself it's hard to let someone else do it. It makes you feel vulnerable and weak. You need to explain to her that when you marry you will be as one and as a man part of your job is to care for her and provide and that she will have to start letting you in a piece at a time to do so. That you feel excluded when she won't let you help. Ask her to try something small to assist. That way she has a chance to see and try to make the adjustments. And above all be patient. It takes time. Also try other things that don't involve money assist that way to build the trust in that area. Good luck.
This is a big issue and will continue to be an issue after you get married so I suggest settling it before the wedding.
I think shes being kind of selfish while trying to prove a point. You're about to miss out on alot of stuff because %26quot;she cant afford it%26quot; when you are willing to pay. No family vacations? Whats next? No eating out, no going out to movies, no going to the water park with the kids? How is that fair?
Bottom line is you are supposed to be combing as a family and shes not. You cant have a family if one person refuses to be a family.
