My ex and I divorced about 3 years ago. He was controlling and abusive. However, he blames me for the divorce. He says that I should feel ashamed at where my life is and how much I have hurt him and my child.
We don't have similar values - his main focus is money and he always works to conserve money. He does not have trash service or home insurance. He buys things from the store, uses them and then returns them. He also used to change the price tags on items before buying them. I did not agree with any of his habits. He also is verbally abusive and did hit me many times during the marriage.
However, when I talk to his side of the family, they blame me and say that I took things out of the family. I talked to my parents and told them what was happening. They tried to pull me out of the marriage.
I don't know if these are good enough reasons to divorce or if I should just blame myself.
What are good causes for divorce?
Please STOP and do not question yourself. This man abused you and his family is abusing you as well. He needs help because he practices stealing yes stealing. Purchasing products using them and returning them is stealing. Verbal abuse has not one place in a relationship; it is controlling and a short coming on his part. He hit you? Hit you! And you are questioning yourself? What type of love was this that he hit you and verbally abused you? Sounds as if he is a chip off the family block. Them blaming you instead of being concerned with their son who manipulates and abuses. Do not look back only look forward. Stop listening to him or his family it is only more manipulation. Focus toward the future and you will find a REAL MAN that LOVES you CHERISHS you is DEVOTED to you LOVES you and does not ABUSE YOU. This is a game of control this entire family is placing in your lap. Your parents thank goodness were right. Run honey run as fast and hard as you can and never look back
What are good causes for divorce?
You are divorced, move on.
Sounds like you should blame yourself for him being a jerk and always wanting people to see him as being better than he is. Of course you shouldn't blame yourself. Just make sure that the people who count in your life know the truth, that's all you have to do. Be strong!
NO, don't blame yourself! you are smart you got out of an abusive marriage, many women don't leave and end up living a horrible life that's if the husband doesn't kill them. his family doesn't want to see what kind of son they have, so it's easy to blame you. believe me you did the right thing!
you shouldn't be worried about this after 3 years of being divorced.
The only 3 reasons are abuse, addictions and adultery.
The only %26quot;good causes%26quot; for divorce is abuse...whether it be mental or physical!!!
I think you know within yourself that you made a good decision and he is gone now. Don't beat yourself up about things that are in the past. Try to move on, you did the right thing. And his family have nothing to do with you anymore. You might have to put up with them for the sake of your child but you don't have to give a **** what they think of you as a person.
Your terms controlling and abusive are vague.
You are more specific when you start talking about money.
It seems you have different values.
A good cause for divorce is the unwillingness to set down with one another, perhaps with a professional counsellor, and try to find ways of living with each others differences.
Having differences is NOT a good reason to divorce. Continued unwillingness to address those differences is.
If you were married by the church, the Bible spells out a process, in Matthew 18 where if you have an issue with someone sinning, you take it to them first, and then you escalate within the church. This process ensures that the charges, such as abuse are valid, and he is given the opportunity to correct his behavior, pehraps by agreeing to be mentored, having accountability partners, attending counselling.
If you didn't try anything beyond talking to him, then in my mind, you really didn't yet have a good cause for divorce. Perhaps seperation. But you didn't %26quot;earn%26quot; your way out of the marriage by trying to preserve the vow you took with every available resource.
Differences alone are not enough, refusing to everything possible to resolve them is, but not just the differences.
You should not blame yourself for anything. That was a good reason for getting a divorce. There was verbal abuse and that can tear up a self esteem. Move on and God will bring the right man into your life. Remember joy comes in the morning smile
According to the Bible there is but one reason for divorce, and that would be immorality... Does this fit the bill in your case?? ie. abuse, adultery ect...
Are you talking about a divorce 3 years ago? You need to let it go. Who cares what anyone thinks or says to you. You made a decision now let yourself live. By now I would think your child is well adjusted, so don't beat yourself to death with the %26quot;should have, would have, could have%26quot;. You made the choice to divorce for good reason, feel confident in that. The fact he has you still stressing over this so long after, shows he still has control over you, and he loves it. Don't give him that, you deserve to have a life.
He sounds like a loser to me!! Of course abusers blame the innocent, that's what they do best! I have been through a similiar situation. Only before you start dating again be sure to get some counseling. If you don't get some self-esteem you will fall into the same trap again! Trust me, I did and lived to regret it!! (You feel even stupider the second time around!!) Remember ~ you deserve better and as far as your child goes, you are teaching her/him not to accept the abuse, bravo!!
Part of his abuse is making you believe that you are to blame. STOP giving him the power to do that! You did what you had to do. He is angry that you were strong enough to do it, and that he lost control of you! He is trying to win back that control and you are letting him! STOP IT!!!!!
Divorce is not an easy thing to do! I respect you greatly for getting out of an abusive relationship. Many women stay because they are too scared or not strong enough to get out!!
You should be proud of yourself.
I would suggest having little or no contact with him. You have a child together, so you will have to see each other from time to time, but the only conversation that needs to happen should be about the child ONLY! If he starts to belittle you, or bring up the divorce, hang up on him! Don't give him the power!
As far as what his family thinks, WHO CARES!! They should stand by him, that is blood. Don't waste time trying to change their minds. It doesn't matter anyway.
Good luck to you!
You are definately NOT to blame for the divorce. Him being abusive is a good reason to leave him. Don't blame yourself. Once you've realized that you are a good person and you don't deserve what he did to you then you will finally be able to move on with your life. You might check into counseling. It really helps to talk to a professional about it. Good luck!!
Your ex sounds immoral, criminal, and abusive. You did the best thing for your children to move them away from their father. You don't want them growing up with his bad values. Do NOT feel guilty. You were strong and right. Now, make a new life and move on.
don't fully blame yourself, ignore peoples comments, you need peace in your life. Adultery, murder, abuse, thievery, are a few good reasons.
There are no good causes for divorce as it leaves a vaccum that can never be fill most especially if it involves a child it is even harder. For next time whenever you're in a relationship and it's not working don't upt for marriage as abuse in marriages don't start with slap but with the first abusive word.
you did the right thing and you shouldn't lose any sleep on him. sounds like he's just projecting his insecurities on to you because he lives in denial about his own issues. everyone deserves to be happy especially you and your child. it's unfortunate that his whole family is like that but you don't want your child subjected to that mental abuse. i sincerely hope your ex gets some help for the sake of your child and hopefully the judge only granted him supervised visitation until he faces his demons.
sweetie, listen there is a group called Alanon that is a 12-step group of ppl just like you and me who think that if we love someone enough we can make them happy and if they are not happy even though we cut off our right arm and present it to them on a silver platter, then we must have failed somehow and we MUST find another way to please them.
PLEASE..i implore you...find a meeting in your area. i found out after 2 bad marriages that if i dont love and respect myself, i cant love and respect another person, not even my kids. i can try to control them by being nice and loving and doing all the right things, but in the end, its still their choice to be happy or not.
believe me, this was a very hard lesson. all of my four children, ranging from 25 to 15 have had drug and alcohal problems and chose to use rather that deal with their own emotions, lives, issues, etc... and through it all (also with my husbands) i chose to try to fix it for them and not let them face the consequences and reap what they have sown. i took the blame and in the end, they didnt get better, they got worse and then they blamed me too.
finally i found alanon and got a sponsor to help. i go to the meetings regualarly and CALL ppl from the program when i need a new perspective on how to deal with my guilt or shame or any other of numerous issues i found out i had to learn to take care of. part of the lesson was this, clean up my own back yard and stop trying to clean up everyone elses....
i will tell you this...
i cant...(i am powerless)
he can...(god as i understand him is omnipotent)
i will let him....(turn my mind onto what his will may be for me in any situation.)
this is the just of the first 3 steps that help me to stay on the right track when dealing with someone else who is trying to dump the blame on me instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.
take care of you, so you can take care of your child! and so you can teach your child more healthy ways of coping instead of the way you are coping.
lifting you on eagles wings,
lily
if the man is abusive in more ways than one, i dont see why you didnt leave him sooner. no one should have to put up with anything like that.
as women we tend to fall inlove with the type of man who seems like the perfect guy, but after a couple years its like they get bored or something and decide that theyre going to have a bit of fun playing with us. they use our weaknesses against us, cuz lets face it..everyone has weaknesses....
yours seems to be that youre not too sure of yourself. you are questioning if the divorce really is your fault....well let me tell you...its not....at all.
as for him saying that youre hurting your child....thats bull....your child will grow up so much happier in a home where his/her dad isnt beating his/her mom.
if his side of the family wants to blame you for everything then screw them....you dont need that in your life. you arent obligated to talk to them. if you feel that you are because they are also your childs family...youre wrong let your ex worry about that...its not your problem anymore.
your ex is a cheap ***..what the hell..
leave.....walk away.....better than good enough reasons to get a divorce.....dont blame yourself......gain self confidence......good luck.
